I Speak Up Now

By: JANA GREENE

I speak up for myself now.

Well, sometimes.

As long as it doesn’t rock the boat TOO much.

As long as the person I have conflict with

won’t stop loving me because I’m mad.

Only when I’ve rolled the issue OVER and OVER

in my brain ad nauseam and have decided

I’m with a safe person, after all.

After I’ve mentally slayed the worst-case scenario in my head,

and mini-grieved all possible outcomes.

I still fret and worry that I’ve upset someone.

But now I fret when the someone I’ve upset is me.

So, I speak.

Sometimes in a whisper, and sometimes with a roar,

but I speak.

I’m starting in fits and stops to say when I’m hurt

or offended or bothered,

even though I have an Olympic gold in people-pleasing.

Myself – she had no say for the longest,

but I’m re-parenting her, you see.

I’m protecting her. I care what she has to say.

Her feelings, views, and passions have value.

I’m teaching her things that I (somehow managed) to teach my own daughters.

That they deserve to be listened to.

And to this day, they speak up for themselves,

without fear of abandonment, because they know they’re safe.

And Little Me is safe now too, finding her voice and using it.

Progress, not perfection.

God bless us, every one.