Tag: prayer

The Audacity of Ordinary Hope

By: JANA GREENE

Ever since I had surgery and anesthesia earlier this week, my pain levels have been OFF THE CHART. Last night was night 3 of agony. I don’t know which of my alphabet-soup acronym conditions is causing this flare – I suspect a combo of EDS, MCAS, CLL, and POTs. I suspect a lot of all. First thing this morning, haggard and exhausted, I told Bob, “Yeah, I can’t do this.”
That’s the thing about catastrophic, chronic illness. You so badly want to carry it with grace.
I want so much to be calm, and stoic, and ladylike, and inspirational about this.
But I’m not.
I’ll take it and take it, and hit a wall like a crash car dummy, and dissolve into disappointment in myself. So-and-So handles adversity sooooo gracefully. Why can’t I seem to?
I think that’s maybe the axe that came down in my faith walk and the church. As a Christian, you’re supposed to be healed. People lay hands over you, spouting nonsensical “language,” and tell you if you just believed harder, if you trusted God more, you’d be well. YOU are the impediment to your own healing, silly, so get it together, already. We’re getting tired of casting out “demons,” get busy faith-ing harder.
But why speak in the lofty tongue of angels, when plain-speak would have been a comfort, human to human. My human-to-divine ratio was all wrong for them. The metal in my broken ankle did not “turn into bone.” Cult, much? It’s amazing what you’ll believe, when you’re out of ordinary hope.
So here I sit today, 3-day bun way past “messy,” oversized t-shirt, systemic inflammation RAGING under my skin. My bones hurt today.
I wasn’t wrong – I cannot do this. Not one more day. But since that’s all any of us have got, I’ll let Jesus sit in the hole with me, like he has done as infinitum, just for today.
Because I have been through a LOT my whole life. I’ve had to fight from childhood for that comfort – the presence of the Holy Spirit.
It has to be enough. If I cannot “pick up my mat and walk” in ‘healing,’ I’ll invite Jesus into my pain, and he – perhaps tired of Righteous Gemstones / Binny Himn histrionics himself – will help me through it.
Thanks for listening to my vent.
I’m trying so hard to be positive, to find some glimmer of positivity in all this.

0

The Soft Armor of a Loving God

By: JANA GREENE

If no weapon formed against me shall prosper, I could only infer that includes the woes of today, the drumbeats of war, lives lost needlessly – this is no time to lose our faith. We are on a literal assignment from God, like the Blues Brothers.

As Elwood said, “It’s 106 miles to Chicago, we’ve got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark, and we’re wearing sunglasses. We’re on a mission from God!”

(Translation: It’s in fact miles from where we belong, but God has provisioned us, and given us hope, especially in the dark.)

Same brothers.

Almighty God,

Where I am bent on warring with myself, help me to remember that you are not the one calling the battle cry, and working all things for the good.

Help me stop consuming so much doom, because doom is never from you.

When the sword of truth is forged, let me remember not to use it as an implement of pain; but instead, use it to protect my peace.

When I want to throw self-righteous stones at wrongdoers, remind me that I live in a glass house myself.

When I turn the pistol of shame against myself, remind me that you have emptied the weapon’s chambers, and filled the chambers of my heart with your love.

When life cuts like a thousand knives, you are not the one holding the hilt, nor did you forge the iron. Thank you for being a soft place to recover.

You do not authorize pain, but your love is our medicine, no matter the ailment.

As we bear witness to all kinds of desolation, bigotry, and hatred, let us not lose the hope.

Sometimes, that’s all you knew on this earth, Jesus – despair!

Lord, we war against our own minds, stunting; tormenting and choking our spirits. Let us show ourselves grace.

Because believing the worst things about ourselves is not the humbleness you had in mind, but a misguided martyrdom to feel holy.

“Woe is me, I’m such a screwed-up human. Who shall save me from ME?”

But you say, “No woefulness required. You’re such a well-loved human. Lay down your weapons; love is a much better tactic. It’s time you realize your identity, oh anxious one. Go tell the others too.”

GO TELL THE OTHERS! That is your gospel.

We are taught our minds are evil above all else, but that is a remnant of the old covenant, not a sentiment from you – as I understand you are love.

God, it’s rough here in the world that you so loved. Why wouldn’t we arm ourselves or protect our own value with harsh words, heavy-handed self-righteousness, and “heavenly” battle preparedness?

Them’s fighting’ words!

But I myself have had enough war.

I’ve learned that your armor is soft and comfortable, a suit of protection, a covering of pure love.

It is not only worn, but woven into our very souls. It’s part of us.

It fits like peace and is tailored for truth. It isn’t heavy or uncomfortable; unwieldy or confining, but fits like a glove.

There may be chinks in our armor, but that’s okay.

I’m enough, chinks in my armor and all.

For such a time as this, here and now, we are on a mission from you, Lord. To spread the gospel of love, even in times of war.

Amen.

– JANA GREENE

2

Post-Deconstruction Prayer

This used to be our dining room. Now it one of two “sanctuary rooms” – places in my home that I have carved out to be at peace, meditate, pray.
An “anti” War Room, if you will.

By: JANA GREENE

Sometimes when I pray, I’m not even sure what to pray for anymore. But when God brings someone to my mind, that’s the impetus to pray for them.

I don’t mean giving God “instructions” on how to help someone, which I used to call “praying with specificity.” I replaced elaborate prayers with simple trust in God, because the most eloquent prayers are “help help help” and “thank you thank you thank you” (as my favorite author Anne Lamott opines.)

I ask and then I try to listen. Because there is no wrong way to pray, and prayer is designed to be communication from one sentient being to a supreme being, no holds barred.

Once I saw a movie that recommended having a “War Room” – a physical place to go to pray where the reception is clearest to God and where mighty battles are fought in the heavenlies, waiting for our next words to change the outcome in supernatural realms.

So of course I decorated my closet with scripture and crosses aplenty. But all I managed to do was feel guilty that I wasn’t praying more (or right?) every damn time I had to grab a pair of shoes out of the closet.

Was I praying enough? What if I don’t and when I get to Heaven, God informs me that he really wanted to do this magnificent thing, but I
Was two beggings short of getting the outcome I desired.

See, that puts the onus on me. And the onus is not on me – it is on Love.

I don’t make a big show for myself now, prostrate in my literal prayer “closet,” striving, striving, striving to be the person “God created me to be.” Building a tower of Babylon with my puny, pleading words (which are beautiful to him, by the way, but his love is not dependent upon them.)

No. I mean that if you come to my mind during the course of my day, I am simply asking God to love on you in a way that’s tangible. God loves n us through one another, nature, laughter, and hugs from friends.

If you have a need or a heartbreak, I focus my intention on your hurt as best I can, and believe in advance that he is walking alongside you, no matter what event is anguishing you. Being a very visual person, I picture you in a cloud of love, total acceptance, resolution, and peace. I can’t describe it any better than that, but trust me, it’s better than that.

And I ask him to increase your awareness of him in and around us. Because he is always at work in and around us, even when we aren’t begging for his favor. I pray he uses me in any capacity he sees fit to convey his great love.

Even when words fail us.

Love always shows up, in the end.

0

But What Does Prayer Look Like Post-“Deconstruction?”

Photo by Lucas Pezeta on Pexels.com

By: JANA GREENE

Sometimes when I pray, I’m not even sure what to pray for. But when God brings someone to my mind, that’s the impetus to pray for them. A common misconception about reconstructing your faith is that prayer ceases. Of course, I can only speak for myself.

I don’t mean giving God “instructions” on how to help someone, which I used to call “praying with specificity.” I replaced elaborate prayers with simple trust in God, because the most eloquent prayers are “help help help” and “thank you thank you thank you” (as my favorite author Anne Lamott opines.)

I ask and then I try to listen. Because there is no wrong way to pray, and prayer is designed to be communication from one sentient being to a supreme being, no holds barred.

Once I saw a movie that recommended having a “War Room” – a physical place to go to pray where the reception is clearest to God and where mighty battles are fought in the heavenlies, waiting for our next words to change the outcome in supernatural realms.

So of course I decorated my closet with scripture and crosses aplenty. But all I managed to do was feel guilty that I wasn’t praying more (or right?) every damn time I had to grab a pair of shoes out of the closet.

Was I praying enough? What if I don’t and when I get to Heaven, God informs me that he really wanted to do this magnificent thing, but I was two beggings short of getting the outcome I desired.

See, that puts the onus on me. And the onus is not on me – it is on Love.

I don’t make a big show for myself now, prostrate in my literal prayer “closet,” striving, striving, striving to be the person “God created me to be.” Building a tower of Babylon with my puny, pleading words (which are beautiful to him, by the way, but his love is not dependent upon them.)

No. I mean that if you come to my mind during the course of my day, I am simply asking God to love on you in a way that’s tangible. God loves us through one another. Through nature, laughter, and hugs from friends.

If you have a need or a heartbreak, I focus my intention on your hurt as best I can and believe in advance that he is walking alongside you, no matter what event is anguishing you. Being a very visual person, I picture you in a cloud of love, total acceptance, resolution, and peace. I can’t describe it any better than that, but trust me, it’s better than that.

And I ask him to increase your awareness of him in and around us. Because he is always at work in and around us, even when we aren’t begging for his favor. I pray he uses me in any capacity he sees fit to convey his great love.

Even when words fail us.

His love never does.

2

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑