Years ago, I self-published a little book about recovery. I recently found a copy and dusted it off, and realized it may have some nuggets of truthful reflection. In the coming weeks, I will try to post little excerpts from the book, “Fierce Recovery, Living Your Best Sober Life Now.” I hope perhaps it gives you hope or lends hope to someone you love in active addiction or living recovery. WE CAN AND DO RECOVER!
Okay, now you are sober. Or perhaps you’re still drinking or using, and are ready to hop off the train wreck your life has become. When you feel broken, I hope you consider making The Big Admission.
“I am a drug addict / alcoholic / codependent person, and I need help.”
Who are we, the recovery community?
We are everyman. Every woman. We addicts and alcoholics are legion.
We are the famous actor who died of an overdose,
who is the rock star who lost her battle with alcholism,
who is the twenty year old kid who died in the bathroom of a fast food joint, needle in his arm,
who is the elderly man in the nursing home, stealing pills from a roomate,
wo is the wealthy businessman drinking in the wee hours of the morning to get going
who is the soccer mom who cannot stop at three glasses of chardonnay,
who is ME.
We are born with super dopamine-seeking brains, susceptible to hijacking our chemistry and feeding our anxiety.
We alcoholics and addicts are not weak. The strongest people I’ve ever met are addicts in recovery.
We don’t want to make excuses from the train wrecks we pilot; we only want you to know the disasters are not by design.
We are sensitive and often creative forces to be reckoned with.
We contribute to the landscapes of the world with music, art, poetry.
We love deeply, intrinsically…sometimes so deeply that our souls can hardly handle it sober.
We punch timeclocks and live ordinary lives. And truth be told, it isn’t always the pain that makes us want to drink and use, but fear of that ordinary.
We love our children fiercely. Yes, we would change “for the kids,” if only we knew how.
We have heart. We grieve for hurting people, but don’t always know how to handle grief without self-destructing.
We crave the ability to handle life “normally,” like you do.
We don’t mean to embarrass you.
We are brought to our knees in desperation that properly wired brains cannot fathom.
We might be your child’s teacher. Or your counselor. Or even your pastor.
We need each other for survival, sitting in dank church basements, drinking stale coffee, with others who are cut from the same brilliantly colorful, threadbare cloth as we. And it changes us for the better, as it should.
In exactly 17 days, I will celebrate that it has been 25 years since my last drink.
Twenty-five years since I lay on my bathroom floor, begging God for help me quit drinking. Just as I had innumerous times before January 3rd, 2001. It was certainly not the first time. Or the fiftieth.
But because alcoholism is cunning and baffling, I couldn’t get sobriety to “stick.” If you knew me then, you probably had no idea. Nobody knew how much I was drinking. Active alcoholism requires mad distraction skills, a Masters in deflecting, a passel of excuses, and a side of lies, in order to keep the scam going.
I can’t be an alcoholic! I am Room Mother in my daughter’s 2nd grade classroom.
I can’t be an alcoholic! I don’t drink until the late afternoon.
I can’t be an alcoholic! I’m a regular church-goer.
But it was a scam; one I perpetuated on myself. I scammed myself into thinking I could drink “normally,” that I was okay so long as nobody knew my secret. I had at least a bottle of chardonnay a night, all by myself. But GOD, wouldn’t YOU? Kids are fighting, marriage is failing, I am constantly sick. The government is corrupt. The stars aligned in an unfavorable configuration. Tuesday. Any excuse to justify it.
See, that kept me from getting well for a long time. The rationalization that life was just too intense to raw-dog sober. The mental gymnastics of raising kids without my “reward” – Mommy’s “glass” of wine. The prospect of never (NEVER??!) having another drink. Not at my kids’ weddings? N E V E R?
I feel everything. I am a Deep Feeler. Feelings never stop coming. As Cynthia Plath famously remarked, “Even when I feel nothing, I feel it completely.” It has always been that way, even in childhood. Maybe especially in childhood.
So, you can imagine my delight at finding out that the antidote to my Deep Feeling came conveniently in a Bartles & Jaymes bottle. There was little trauma that Zima couldn’t smooth over. Boxed wine was the Holy of Holies. You can drink and drink, and nobody sees the level of wine disappearing. You could even take the foil bag out when the box got low, and drink out of it like a dang Capri Sun.
My new medicine came in LOADS of iterations – sweet, savory, celebratory! Every flavor profile. Drinking is sophisticated. You can’t have a toast without alcohol, or take real communion, or ring in the new year. How convenient that my drug of choice was associated with merriment and milestones. Society doesn’t care if you drink to excess. But it would have a fascination with people NOT drinking. Why aren’t you drinking?
I have written my entire story before, but I think only on my prior blog, and I might share it here again. It’s long and intense, but no less dark than my life before I got sober. By the time I was willing to work hard enough for it to “stick,” I was depleted. Turning yellow. I was not the mother my beautiful daughters really deserved. On the surface, maybe, but not in reality.
The heartache, desperation, loneliness, shame? I had it in spades back then. I had become careless, obsessed, and resentful of the drug that had been my salvation. I was poisoning myself. Alcohol got between me and my kids, me and my God.
That was 25 years ago, and that BLOWS. MY. MIND. I can remember sitting in the Rooms, listening to “Oldtimers” talk about their sober time, and thinking, that will never be me. I am not made of stuff that strong. But I stayed and no matter what – I did not pick up a drink. NO MATTER WHAT. I worked the steps, started taking self-care, and talking to God in earnest. I felt ALL THE FEELS and let them land where they wanted.
I imagined Jesus crouched down with me in that bathroom on the sickest night of my life, and that was my proof that I wasn’t in it alone. I can’t scientifically prove to you that he was sitting with me in my pain, but I can spiritually prove it. The proof is my recovery – my janky, imperfect, solid, triumphant, well-worn recovery.
A lot of things came to an end when I quit drinking. Dysfunctional and toxic relationships, chiefly. I could keenly feel the losses, I wish I could have had hope for the gains. Because when I lost my relationship with drinking, I gained a whole entire new life.
I had to love myself and believe I was worth loving at all. But slowly, I regained my self-respect. Any dumbass mistakes I made fell squarely on me, not my “drinking.” And when I am the origin of my own chaos, I can then fix it. The responsibility is mine.
Don’t get it twisted – alcohol is still poison to me. I will have 25 years of recovery, but I could lose it all tomorrow, easy as pie. I respect the addiction. It is still – always – cunning and baffling. I will never “arrive.” Alcoholism has no remission. But so long as I practice what has worked for me this long, I shall hold the monster at bay. One day at a time.
And what transpired is a beautiful, full, rich life. It’s not a perfect life, mind you. But it’s mine, wholly mine. My efforts – along with God’s grace – enable it. My efforts. The thing that I was sure would be the end of me, turned out to be the beginning of me. The thing that was going to ruin all the fun in my life actually made me more fun. The thing that signaled an old way of being coming to end, became my salvation. And I am so flipping grateful.