By: JANA GREENE
I have been triggered by so many scary things lately, pending my prognosis for CLL.
If we can be “triggered” by things that make us anxious, surely, we can choose to focus on the “glimmers” instead. It sure does seem that feeling triggered is a natural response to stress – it’s automatic, at least for me. It’s my subconscious mind’s default when facing the unknown.
I can amass worries, panic, and thoughts of doom like a pile of dirty laundry that takes up a whole corner of the room, without me realizing I don’t have anything clean to “wear.” I don’t want to wear despair, but as an uber-feely person, I do.
Or, I can focus on the glimmers, instead of “researching” CLL into the ground, (which will not change an outcome either way.) Here’s to counterbalancing with some GLIMMERS:
I love my medical team and trust them.
I have an excellent therapist.
I do not feel abandoned by God, but instead warmly comforted by him (to my own surprise.)
I have the strong support of my husband, children, dad, and sister. And a circle of friends so tight, they have become family in every way. I’m so grateful for my tribe.
Every medical professional I meet – even in passing – has been kind.
Many people live 10-20 years with my condition.
I have insurance, which is a monumental blessing (but OH how it breaks my heart that not everyone has access to medical care! Alas, that’s a whole blog post in itself, for another day!)
But I have to think on these things ON PURPOSE, or fear takes completely over.
The nurse who administered the radioactive isotope for the PET scan was prepping me for yet another IV this past week. I thanked him
“I’m not sure you should be thanking me,” he said, with a chuckle. “I’m fixing to poke you, make you radioactive, and put you through a machine.”
“Yes,” I said. “But you are kinder than you have to be. And not many people are anymore. You explained everything, you are being gentle with my arm and my feelings. You are being a ‘glimmer’ in this otherwise dark journey I’m on. Thank you.”
Triggers cause anxieties to pile up. The more they pile up, the more they smother me. Glimmers inspire me to give my neurosis a good scrub, clean up my attitude, and fold and put away my worries.
But hons, them clothes ain’t gonna clean themselves. They just won’t. I have to notice them, and unless I make a concerted effort to be aware, they pass me by. Every morning, I do a little mindfulness session. I play affirmations on my playlist and encouraging music. A little hippie-dippy meditation alone time with God. Help me to be aware of glimmers, I ask of him. Because in truth, they happen to us all the time. In my natural state, I just need help with awareness. It’s been a game-changer.
Try to notice the glimmers today and strengthen your divine in whatever way that works for you. I’ll be over here praying and sage-ing, singing, and loving, and hoping and believing (with, of course, intermittent bouts of anxiety. Hey, Rome wasn’t built in a day, and it can’t be ALL glimmers, ALL the time. We are only human, after all – but there is much beauty and joy that goes unrecognized.
Because, to quote Ferris Bueller, ““Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
Util next piece, friends. Please be kinder than you have to. It’s a rough world out there. Spread all the glimmers you can.
Blessed be.
Words by Jana Greene 
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